


get a load of this monster

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, Not Beta Read, OOC, Suicide, This is Bad, and short, sorry - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26120353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: there's something deeply wrong with him, he thinks, because of course there is.(very out of character vent fic. strong mentions/thoughts of suicide! don't read if that kind of thing can hurt you.)
Kudos: 28





	get a load of this monster

it's strange how glorified sadness is, isn't it? in movies and tv, it's made out to be this poetic monstrosity, it's usually a pretty girl, who for some reason or another cries over a failed test or some stupid guy who stood her up. everyone loves the pretty sad girl, because of course they do, and the pretty sad girl is happy again. sapnap isn't, and will never be, a pretty sad girl.

there's something deeply wrong with him, he thinks, because of course there is. but hell, he's never opened up to anyone about this kind of thing, let alone seen a therapist or psychologist or whoever it was that would be able to figure out what his deal is.

his life is shit, in a non-romanticized way, he lives in stupidly small town in texas, where it's so hot and yet for some reason, none of the kids at his school bother wearing deodorant. he hates everyone there, and he means it. it's no wonder he doesn't have any friends in real life. 

he has george and dream, who are probably the only reason he's still kicking it, even though they'd never know. he doesn't tell anyone anything. they don't about his parents, they don't know that every friend he's told a story about doesn't exist, or that sometimes, he sits in his room and thinks that the world will be the exact fucking same if he wasn't there. 

and the sad thing is, he wouldn't be wrong. who would miss him? his parents barely paid attention to him, and dream george would move on eventually, find someone else to fill that role in their trio that always felt more like a duo, sapnap being there just to third wheel.

the first time he ever though about it, he was thirteen, walking home from school on a sweltering afternoon in late august, and he couldn't shake the idea that he could just walk out in front of the next car that would whizz by. then, he was fourteen and had just broken his arm, being prescribed some particularly strong painkillers. next, he was learning how to drive, and it would have been oh-so easy to just drive off the bridge and into the thrashing water below.

he wouldn't do it though. if he really wanted to die so bad, why didn't he bite the bullet already? the opportunity presented itself enough, and yet he never took it. having friends sucked. having friends sucked more than not having friends, because when you had friends, you had people that stopped you from doing the shit you should've done years ago. 

he wasn't going anywhere with his life, really. he couldn't be bothered to keep his grades up, too much time and effort to amount to nothing, because he had no plans for the future. maybe because he never planned on having a future. he didn't know. nobody needed to know, because nobody wanted to know.

he kept everything to himself, all the thoughts that swirled around in his head, threatening to spill over but somehow, it never did. nobody would care to listen anyways. he was better of being a good friend, listening to his friend's problems, helping them through their problems, and presenting as the perfect, laid back guy he was supposed to be.

he was truly fucked up, wasn't he?


End file.
